


All That's Known

by templemarker



Series: Mind Over Time [2]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Erasure, Bisexuality, Eliot are you listening - no one made him do it, M/M, carrot wine, intimacy issues, no one made them do it, policing queerness in a soft and self-destructive way, there's a reason for the 'b' in lgbtq, two percent opium in the air
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 09:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18091556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/templemarker/pseuds/templemarker
Summary: Quentin thrusts his hands into his hair, undoing the loose tie he's been wearing lately -- his hair off his face looks great on him -- and the fine threads spill over his fingers. Eliot doesn't know what it says about him that Quentin in agitation is as much of a turn-on as Quentin thirsty to suck his cock or Quentin focused on solving a problem, but, well, there it is.





	All That's Known

**Author's Note:**

> I ran into Gins' [post on Quentin and bisexuality](https://greywash.dreamwidth.org/68215.html) while searching for anything to feed the waiting-for-next-episode beast. I have a lot of feelings about it, as a bisexual queer person who has experienced bi erasure. [Frequently.] 
> 
> Set during 3x05, "A Life in the Day", in the period between Quentin making his move on Eliot and Arielle and Quentin becoming a thing.

Quentin thrusts his hands into his hair, undoing the loose tie he's been wearing lately -- his hair off his face looks great on him -- and the fine threads spill over his fingers. Eliot doesn't know what it says about him that Quentin in agitation is as much of a turn-on as Quentin thirsty to suck his cock or Quentin focused on solving a problem, but, well, there it is. 

Quentin takes a breath, and Eliot steels himself; they've worked out how to get through their arguments, that sometimes they just have to fight it out knowing that they'll still choose to be there in the morning, mosaic and key and quest and friends that seem further and further away each passing year. 

Quentin looks at him, straight in the eye, and Eliot feels a thrill that Quentin, still, after all this time, _looks at him_ when even just buying bread at market his gaze ducks away more times than most. 

"Eliot, I love you," and Eliot shudders, "but you were not the source of my bisexual awakening. I didn't, like, feel the stirrings of manhood when I looked at you. I knew I was bi when I stumbled into Brakebills -- I was a fucking 22 year old millennial, Eliot, who lived in New York. _I had sucked a dick before I met yours._ Intentionally. On purpose. _Because I like to fuck guys and that is part of my identity._ How many rounds of this fucking bullshit do we have to go through? What do I have to prove to you here that -- I hit on you, motherfucker. I made the first move. _God _," Quentin chokes out. "I can't believe I'm still having this argument. I can't believe this is still an argument. It's like my high school GSA all over again."__

__There's a lot of there, there, and Eliot can feel all the thoughts fighting for primacy behind his tongue, but what stumbles out first -- he blames the carrot wine, fucking Fillory -- is: "Did you just make a 'Spring Awakening' reference?"_ _

__Quentin looks at him, eyes wide with indignation, and then deflates, tucking his loose hair behind his ear and collapsing into the chair in the corner. He grabs his mug, downs what's left of his carrot wine, and blows out a breath, moving his gaze to the ceiling of their tiny cottage. "It was the musical production my sophomore year of high school. Julia was Ilse -- we had debate, so she couldn't do Wendla even though they wanted her for it." He pauses. "I was Assistant Props. It was a very formative work."_ _

__"Oh, Q," Eliot says, resting his heavy head in the palm of his hand. "That's a little gay, my dear."_ _

__Quentin looks up, his gaze hitting Eliot again and triggering another shudder -- god, this cottage has been terrible for his Ice Prince persona -- "Well so am I."_ _

__Eliot doesn't look away -- can't, really, never could from the moment he laid eyes on the kid whose name was printed on the card the Admissions Office had sent him to track down -- and neither does Quentin, which in a way is the whole thing anyway. They could always see each other too clearly, even when they didn't have the context to understand._ _

__"You may be the center of my world now, El, but you weren't the start of it," Quentin says lowly, that awful, generous honesty pinning Eliot down._ _

__"Well, that disrupts my fantasy of godhood," Eliot says, and fuck this carrot wine and fuck his intimacy issues and fuck his flippancy defence mechanisms. Just fuck._ _

__Quentin, lovely, arresting Quentin, Quentin who is telling him all the things he wants to hear but struggles to believe are true, that Q would choose him if they were home, not him-plus-Margo, not him because they're together in Fillory, not him because of pity, not him -- fuck. Not him, because. Just him, because._ _

__It should hurt Quentin, his flippancy, it should be a barb that cuts, and maybe before the mosaic it would have, but Quentin just sighs, shakes his head, gets up to pull the jug of wine closer and refills his glass. Maybe it's the opium._ _

__"I'm going to water the garden," he says, and takes his mug with him; as he leaves, he runs his fingers over Eliot's head, tangling briefly in Eliot's curls, trailing down Eliot's stubbly cheek, down his arm and out the door._ _

__Eliot knows that Q is telling him he is loved, in the only way he can hear it right now. _Intimacy_ , Eliot thinks, and shudders again. He wonders if he'll ever be able to respond to it in any way besides a flinch._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Initially, I thought it would be too much emotional work to engage with bi erasure and my feelings about it through fiction, but then I guess I slept on it and this tumbled out. Thanks for being a foil for my feelings, Quentin Coldwater!
> 
> As a note, I find it really interesting that a majority of the fanfic written about the cabin is romantic -- and of course the whole A plot is shot that way, from the warm blond light to the coziness of the set -- because the thing I took away from ALITD is how mentally stable Quentin ended up being throughout that life. [Please note I am not saying something insipid like "his depression disappeared because he was in love with Eliot!". Although I am curious about the effect of long-term opiate exposure to a brain with decreased serotonin functionality.] 
> 
> That takes work. That takes work on both Quentin's part and Eliot's part [and presumably Arielle and even Teddy's parts]. The fight we see them having -- "Live your life here!" -- to me acts as a proxy for the many, many discussions/fights/bickering/painful honesty/come-to-Ember moments that must have occurred for the pair of them, and then the three of them, and then the pair of them and their child, to exist as a family when presumably at any moment Quentin and Eliot could get the key and leave, or Quentin and/or Eliot could choose to leave, or they could have separated because their relationship couldn't be sustained. When in 4x05, "Escape from the Happy Place", we discover Quentin's "proof of concept", all I could think about was the effort that went into realizing that proof. It didn't just happen. Folks who have been in LTRs -- and those for whom LTRs didn't work out -- are aware of the _work_ involved in sustaining an intimate relationship. To me, that's what "proof of concept" is all about. 
> 
> So you know, I love reading about Q and El (and Arielle)'s Romantic Cottage Life. But I'm fascinated by imagining all the effort it took to get there, and stay there. And the terror that must involve for Eliot, the idea -- even dream-hazy -- of doing it all again.
> 
> Further author's notes available on [Dreamwidth](https://templemarker.dreamwidth.org/54752.html). 
> 
> If you liked it please consider [reblogging](https://templemarker.tumblr.com/post/184363187422/all-thats-known-templemarker-the-magicians)!


End file.
